Can't go on like this...

by Samantha
(PA)

Let me start with how I became on this Earth...

My mother was engaged to a man and became pregnant with me. He was an alcoholic and a gambler and an abusive partner. My Mom got out of that relationship when, one night he was drunk, and beat my Mother while she was pregnant with me.

I was raised by my grandparents, who I love dearly, til I was 5 and my Mom married. My grandparents moved to the other side of the country when I was 13. I've learned from counseling that this was the start of my abandonement issues/borderline personality disorder.

I also have an addictive personality, maybe genetic from my biological father. Add to that anxiety & depression.
My Mom and "Dad"/stepfather never got along. Ever since Day 1 of their marriage, there has not been a day of peace. They fight and YELL constantly, every single day, no matter if we're in public or not.

I was graced with a brother,7 years younger than me. And here come just some of the issues I can think of right now with my Mom...

I was always verbally/emotionally abused by her. From ages 12+ she called me a w#@&!! and anything that went wrong, I was blamed for. My "Dad" and I never had any real bond, and when my Mom would yell at him, i.e. for leaving the toilet seat up, he would pass the buck to me, and I'd always take the brunt of it.

I was 11 years old when my Mom first threatened to commit suicide, told me it was my fault and that I'd have to raise my 4 year old brother. Wasn't the first time, happened a couple times after that. She also got physical with me a couple times.

Truth be told, I wasn't a prostitute, I was a goodie-two-shoes til I was 18. Then all hell broke loose...started smoking cigarettes, weed, shoplifting, drinking, having sex...but my Mom really doesn't know any of it.

I lived my own private life and I took care of myself. Even though I was doing all these things, I still lived a responsible life, had a job, went to college, lived with my boyfriend, didn't need any help from my Mom from the ages of 18 til now.
I am now 25, have straightened my life out for the most part on my own by going to counseling.

I left my boyfriend because he was an alcoholic and as emotionally abusive as my Mom. Unfortunately, due to the economy and downsizing, I lost my job. And so, for the first time in 8 years, I turned to my Mom for financial help.

Let me tell you...she is LIVID!!! Furious, emotional, angry, depressed, doesn't want to support me, constantly taking cheap shots at me trying to put me down.
For example, today she told me that I will never get a job or another boyfriend because I am obese...okay, I have gained a lot of weight over the past year, but I am 215 lbs., not obese.

I just don't know what to do...I obviously don't want to depend on my Mom, but I have no one else to turn to in this time of need. And she is so volatile and unsupportive...I wish I had a Mother that would offer positive reinforcement.

I don't want to have an estranged relationship with my Mother, but she doesn't understand, she doesn't listen...she really needs counseling but refuses to go. I just can't communicate with her when she's like this.

If anyone has any advice or just would like to talk, my e-mail is sschiffert@verizon.net. My name is Samantha.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story.