A cheating-wife or cheating-husband :
Can I save-my-marriage ?
Eric & Karen: married for 14 years (Eric’s story)
I have an unfaithful and cheating-wife!
Karen is having an affair and I am sure she is planning to leave me and get a divorce.
Of course the signs of her being a cheating-wife have been all over the place for some time but I was blind and ignorant to it all.
When I caught her, it really hit me like lighting !
Four years ago she found out about something I had with a colleague at work.
I was cheating on Karen and I admit, I was a lousy husband and a cheating-husband.
It was a huge mistake and it was totally over within 6 months.
But it was stupid, because it destroyed something in our marriage and now Karen is cheating on me!
I don’t know what she wants, why she started cheating on me.
Does she really want out of the marriage or is she doing this to spite me, to get revenge and to play my feelings?
I have to admit, she is doing a 'great job' hurting on me!
Are you in denial about your cheating-wife or cheating-husband ?
OR
Are you in denial about you cheating on your spouse?
Patty & Larry: married for 7 years (Patty’s story)
Jeff just happened to me!
Larry and I have been married for 7 years and we have Kim who is 3 years old now.
About 4 months ago I met Jeff.
Jeff and I apparently work out at the gym in a very similar time schedule so at a certain point we could not help but bump into each other.
My marriage is fine and we don’t have any big problems going on.
Kim is also doing great and we live in a nice house in a good neighborhood and can afford ourselves comfortable vacations, nothing wrong with that.
But after we got Kim, I can feel that things have changed between Larry and me.
So when I started seeing Jeff I felt great getting all that attention!
I know it is not good and I feel very guilty
I don't think of myself being a cheating-wife at all, because it just happened to me.
Jeff is so different from my husband.
When he is with me, he is really with me, you know what I mean.
He really listens and is very sensitive and caring.
I feel wonderful and so much alive when I am around him.
I am so happy!
I know it is wrong but he has done my marriage good in a sense.
I don’t know, it’s not that I did something to make this happen, you know!
Like I said, I feel guilty and I don’t want to loose my marriage, my family and my life with Larry, but I can’t just stop seeing Jeff.
Haven’t told Larry about it.
I kind of hope that it’s all sorted out and so no need to tell anything.
Mike & Liza: married for 6 years (Liza’s story)
Unhappy@home
Something is going on, but I’m not sure.
My friends tell me to check it out but I don’t feel I can handle it if Mike would be cheating on me.
I know there are a lot of cheating-husbands, but I am sure it won’t happen to me.
I just wouldn’t know what to do.
Can I save-my-marriage ?
Just found out about your cheating-wife or cheating-husband ?
Sharon & Rich: married for 5 years (Rich’s story)
I have a cheating-wife!
I just found out that my wife Sharon is cheating on me.
First I couldn't believe she is doing this to me!
Hard to describe what I felt.
It is like a mixture of anger, jealousy and betrayal.
Later that day I just felt pain and sadness. I also felt abandoned, rejected and very tired.
How could she do this to me, we had such a great marriage.
I guess the signs of a cheating-wife were there but I didn’t see it until now.
I feel like such a fool.
What should I do?
Do I have to put up with a cheating-wife?
A cheating-wife or a cheating-husband :
I just keep asking myself over and over . . .
Can I save-my-marriage ?
Shawn & Toni: married for 18 years (Shawn’s story)
Can I save-my-marriage ?
We have been together since we were 17.
Our marriage has been in calmer state since years now and I thought that is perfectly to be expected.
Six months ago around Christmas time, I found out that something is going on with Toni.
I confronted her with her being a cheating-wife and she said she was going to tell me when she would be ready for it.
This really freaked me out!
It all came to down to her being totaly dishonest with me and wanting to abandon me being with this other bloke.
She was having a full blown affair and I have a d***** cheating-wife !
So I told her to make up her mind and let me know within a month.
At least she owed me that.
In the meanwhile I connected with a private coach and was asked some crucial questions.
What was it that I wanted?
What was I feeling?
And if I wanted to save-my-marriage, do I still love her?
I discovered that I was so upset, angry and frustrated that I hardly felt how betrayed I felt by her.
It was not that she was cheating on me; it was what I got from her being a cheating-wife !
I also found out how scared I felt by the thought of being left alone and having to live without her.
Having worked through anger and fear, I found that I want to stay together with Toni.
I do want to save-my-marriage !
I do appreciate that she needs space to experience being with somebody else for now.
And I went through these feelings of betrayal.
What it is that I don’t want to trust in me that is getting projected out in my world.
But I am sure Toni is my soul mate and I want to fight for our marriage.
Not out of fear but out of love, but because I believe we can save-my-marriage
This crisis is a turnaround for our marriage.
Cheryl & Dave: married for 14 years (Cheryl’s story)
Almost separated
Dave has been cheating on me with some woman at his work place.
I don’t know for how long it has been going on, but I believe for at least a year.
I know he doesn’t want to loose me and the kids but also wants to go on seeing the other woman.
I have read a letter which he wrote to her confirming her that he only loves her and doesn’t sleep with me anymore and that he will be with her very soon.
Dave told me that it was all a lie and she forced him to write these things, but I don’t believe him anymore.
I feel confused, and sad and angry and I don’t know what to believe.
He betrayed me!
For sure I can’t trust him anymore.
First he said it wasn’t going on for long only a couple of months.
Next I found out it has been going on for much longer and Dave’s story changes to explain the incongruence.
I bet that the other woman is a cheating-wife !
I know I have the tendency to pretend nothing is going on and avoid messy situations, but for the sake of the kids I have to do something and take a stand.
This is exactly the problem because I don’t know what I want anymore.
I guess I want everything to go back to normal but that it not possible because too much stuff has happened and I don’t know if I can trust Dave any longer.
Should I divorce him or stay on in this marriage?
It's so demeaning!
Can I save-my-marriage ?
It’s a scary thing.
Can I save-my-marriage?
One of the basic ingredients in a marriage or any relationship for that matter, is trust, integrity and acceptance.
When spouses cheat on each other, the following important inner feelings change:
• Trust is being breached
• Feelings of betrayal surface
• Integrity is long gone because of lying
• Denial and acceptance changed into rejection
• Disloyalty grows
• Emotional and / or physical abandonment
So the question “Can I save-my-marriage ?” really boils down to the question if you are able to restore:
• Trust
• Integrity
• Loyalty
• Acceptance
• Marriage-Problems Tip:
Ask yourself:
Despite what happened and went down, am I able to sincerely restore trust, integrity, loyalty and acceptance in my marriage ?
Would I save-my-marriage just because it is more convenient to stay married ?
Am I willing to forgive my cheating-wife or cheating-husband ?
Am I able to forgive myself for being a victim of a cheating-wife or a cheating-husband?
Am I able to forgive myself for being a cheating-wife or a cheating-husband?
• Marriage-Problems Tip:
What can you do about a cheating-wife or a cheating-husband ?
The first steps to saving your marriage
• Admit that you have a cheating-wife or cheating-husband in your marriage
• Admit that from this day on, you will NOT ACCEPT deteriorations of trust, loyalty, respect and integrity anymore !
• Admit that you deserve a better marriage
• Acknowledge that blame is not the issue here
• Decide to do something constructive about cheating and save your marriage
What is at the root of cheating, disloyalty and betrayal ?
Cheating and betrayal issues in your inner world.
Perhaps this sounds strange or simplistic to you or you don’t see yet how your inner world could relate to real physical cheating, betraying, lying and insincerity.
Perhaps you don’t want to take the time to look at invisible things because you have decided to separate.
Be aware that betrayal and cheating can reoccur in an other relationship added up with the pain of your previous experience of cheating and betrayal.
NOT taking a minute looking at your inner world will not solve the issues that are still present in your inner world.
Blaming your cheating-wife or cheating-husband is not a constructive action
Blaming “the other” person is not a constructive action
Running away from your marriage is not a long term constructive action
Thinking you can change your cheating-wife or cheating-husband or other people is also not constructive
Holding back feelings of boredom, not being fulfilled, lust, tension, anger and sadness is not constructive
Feeling sorry for yourself is not constructive
Doing nothing about it and hoping it will all go away, is also not constructive
Trying to understand a cheating-wife or cheating-husband or cheating itself, justify and reason it out, is not constructive in the long run
What is very constructive is to look at yourself and experience whatever you are feeling
FIRST LOOK AT YOURSELF
• Marriage-Problems Tip:
Looking at oneself
Before looking at your cheating-wife or cheating-husband or at the other person(s) involved, it is very insightful to look at yourself first.
And if you are the one cheating on your spouse, it is also very healing to look at yourself first.
If you don’t trust yourself,
If you don’t respect yourself,
If your are not true to yourself,
If you are lying to yourself,
If you are not committed to keep your integrity strong,
you will also not be able to give trust, respect, loyalty, commitment and integrity to your spouse;
you will also not be able to receive trust, respect, loyalty, commitment and integrity from your spouse or any other person.
Thinking we can change a cheating-wife or a cheating-husband or victimes of cheating, is also not constructive.
What is very constructive is to look at oneself!
Really look deep at one self in one’s inner world.
Make changes in the inner world if needed.
You will have a better life as a result of your inner work!
• Marriage-Problems Tip:
How to look at oneself:
Take a moment now to sit quietly.
Focus on your breathing and take deep and slow breaths as in belly breathing.
Close your eyes and take your focus and attention inward.
Allow yourself to be a feeling being, to be in your heart and to feel the honesty of your heart.
Next, ask yourself:
• Do I trust myself ?
• Am I committed to keep my integrity strong ?
• Do I accept myself ?
• Have I done work with my relationship with my own parents ?
Find out how the relationship with your parents impacts your marriage problems now!
• Do I respect myself ?
• Am I committed to myself, other people and things that are important to me ?
• Am I true to myself ?
• Do I take time to communicate to reflect on my inner feelings and thoughts ?
• Can I forgive myself for not being the way I want (or think) to be ?
• Am I happy with myself ?
• Am I actually fulfilled in my life so far ?
• Do I love myself ?
• Do I love myself unconditionally ?
Answering the questions honestly and quickly with feeling and without thinking about your answers, is best.
There are of course no wrong nor right answers. The right answer is the one which now feels most true to you.
Remember, you do not have to share the results with anybody.
If you answered “NO” to any of these questions, ask yourself:
Can I forgive myself for being less respectful, less accepting, less committed to integrity, less happy, less fulfilled and less loving with myself?
• Marriage-Problems Tip:
Make a real effort to forgive yourself and commit to be more respectful, more accepting, more committed to strong integrity, more trusting, more happy, more fulfilled and more loving with yourself every day.
Cheating may transform into true loyalty Your marriage transforms into a loving relationship!
And if you still feel that to be separated is the right way, at least restore trust, integrity and acceptance of who you are in yourself.
That way, if you choose engaging in a next relationship, betrayal, lying and cheating will not repeat itself.
• Marriage-Problems Tip:
Make this effort every day for a week, for a month for three months and see how your life changes every day how it becomes more accepting, more happy and more loving.
Cheating transforms into loyalty and harmony and your marriage transforms into a loving relationship without any other effort worth mentioning.
How can this work?
How can this be so simple?
How can this be?
It’s because:
Your outer physical world is a reflection of your inner world
P O E M
Blame it on unhappiness
Blame it on lust
Blame it on irresistible temptation
Blame it on boredom
Blame it on adventure
Blame it on excitement
Blame it on hormones
Blame it on male chauvinism
Blame it on the ego
Blame it on emancipation
Blame it on the kids
Blame it on an one time only
Blame it on fantasy
Blame it on a traumatic childhood
Blame it on the in-laws
Blame it on conditioning
Blame it on society
Blame it on wanting to be cool
Projecting pain onto something else only disempowers
Taking responsibility empowers
And when all is said and done, the bottomline truth is that . . .
When I am cheating on You, I am actually cheating on Myself
Victoria Arlin (2009)
Next, allow yourself to experience
what you are feeling
• Marriage-Problems Tip:
You may have certain feelings which triggered cheating events in your marriage.
It is perfectly OK to experience these feelings; it is NOT OK to act upon these feelings.
Ask yourself:
What am I feeling ?
• Unhappiness ?
• Lust ?
• An irresistible temptation ?
• Boredom ?
• Need for some adventure ?
• Need excitement ?
• Need for easy release ?
• Need for attention ?
• A boost for the ego ?
• Acting out a fantasy ?
• Need to be cool ?
• Revenge ?
• Freedom ?
• Real love ?
Allow yourself to experience these feelings, these needs and wants.
Just experience that you feel something in lacking in your life, admit it, and experience it.
Next, RELEASE all those feelings!.
No need really to act upon it.
• Marriage-Problems Tip:
For one weekend, adore your spouse.
Allow to see and feel only the wonderful qualities of your spouse.
Experience how perfect your spouse is!
Watch your cheating-wife or cheating-husband with a gentle eye and a warm heart.
Observe, observe, observe.
Do not judge for now.
Do not have strong opinions.
Do not interpret anything.
Just be open minded and look at what is happening within you.
How you feel and react to your spouse and his/her behaviour.
Just observe it all . . .
Then say to yourself:
“Dear Spouse << fill in his or her name here >>, I find love in your perfection, just as you are right now.”
“No matter what you do or do not do, truth is that we are one.”
“I find Great Love in your perfection”.
Repeat often during the weekend till your heart awakens to love for yourself and for your spouse.
Really feel it!
Watch for changes in you, in your spouse and in your marriage.
Changing cheating into loyalty begins with you!
• Marriage-Problems Tip:
Contemplate on the following:
“Love can not be destroyed by a cheating-wife or a cheating-husband and betrayal”
• Marriage-Problems Tip:
Ask yourself:
Can I allow friendship to be in my marriage ?
And can I also have many true friendships besides my marriage?
Friendships can be very fulfilling !
Friendships are based on respect, affection, loyalty, commitment and happiness.
Friendships are cool!
Are you expecting too much
from your marriage?
Find out with this Marriage-Expectations-Quiz quickly!
On a lighter side:
Get inspired and read up on
Expressions-of-Love . . .
Want to read some stories of married couples?
Want to learn more about how important commitment is in a marriage?
Want to look at your other important relationships?
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