Communication to improve your Relationship-Problems
Are we are connecting again ?
Communication is an important ingredient in relationship-problems and for that matter, in any relationship.
If I sense a connection with my partner, I and my partner relate well and this feels great.
Connection and a sense of understanding also broadens a person’s perspective.
It also:
• Increases willingness to help and to give support
• Irritation and resentment subside
• Strong opinions and judgements are put on hold
• Having more patience becomes possible
• Understanding also makes tolerance and even acceptance easier to appear
• Being heard can also cause some miracles to happen
All these things are good for your relationships!
If communication is not happening properly, this may happen:
• Indirect communication
• Miscommunication
• Misunderstandings
• No connection or a bad connection
• Assumptions take over
All these things are bad for your relationships.
Relationship-problems may develop or get worse.
Assumptions
When communication is not happening properly, people also start assuming things that might not be grounded in reality.
Next they don’t check those assumptions for reality basis.
The assumptions start running their own course in their mind.
This will not help the relationship and the togetherness of people be it in a marriage, family relationship, friendship or professional relationship at the workplace.
• Communication Tip:
Ask yourself:
Am I assuming things in this relationship ?
Can I verify these assumptions to be grounded in reality ?
At least two ways of communication
Communication can happen in various ways: verbally and non-verbally.
Verbal communication accounts for about 7%.
Non-verbal communication is the bigger part of both.
Actions as well as intentions speak louder than words.
• Communication Tip:
Ask yourself:
Are my words, body language, and intentions all three aligned in my communication and all three saying the same thing ?
Communication, Responsibility & Integrity
How responsible do you feel about communication in a relationship that matters to you?
Are you communicating while tuning in if your partner gets your message?
And if your partner does not get your message you take it as your responsibility?
Communicating this way is taking responsibility for your message and what it is that you want to express.
Not assuming anything is also a responsible attitude in communicating with others.
If you notice that you have assumptions, become very aware of these assumptions and check if these are grounded in reality.
Integrity has to do with your intention of communication.
To say and listen with an open agenda, even if you feel this will not be favorable to you on the short term.
On the long term it will be!
No mind games, no misleading, hidden agenda communication and manipulative talk!
Not saying anything while communication is necessary is also not showing integrity.
Make sure you respect your partner and the relationship and communicate with integrity.
• Communication Tip:
Ask yourself:
If my communication efforts are not working out as I want it to be:
Do I need to learn more about how to communicate ?
Or
Do I have underlying hidden intentions in my communications ?
If so, what could be underlying my communication that is messing up my communication?
Find out with this Underlying-Communication-Quiz quickly!
Communication and Fun
Communication can also be fun.
It is fun and pleasurable to share and to feel connected.
Communication can give experiences of growing to closeness, of bonding.
I find this a wonderful experience and most people I know also enjoy this kind of experience.
And what is great fun is to have a good laugh together!
In some relationships the statement “let’s have a talk” has been charged with heaviness, seriousness, a sense of getting a punishment and sometimes pain.
If this is the case, communication becomes less enjoyable.
It would be good to start communication and expressing how you feel at an earlier phase, before it gets heavy, serious and painful.
Keep it light and pleasurable!
Here are some tips to communicate better and have a better relationship.
• Communication Tip:
How to talk with difficult people about difficult topics
Admit that you need to talk about your difficult topic
Find out why it is difficult to talk about this particular topic
What do you anticipate: a rejection, anger or other intense emotions?
Other consequences that you don’t want?
What is on your agenda that maybe hidden and makes a talk difficult?
How do you feel about the topic?
Anxious, guilty, irritated, hurt?
Fairness?
Work on these feelings and issues first!
Decide that you want to talk about the topic
Get clear what it is that you want to talk about or ask
Do not assume anything
Uncover your open en hidden assumption first . . .
Find out with this Underlying-Communication-Quiz quickly!
Plan a good time to talk about it
Set some good communication-ground-rules for this conversation
Find out what communication-ground-rules you would like to set
Actually start the communication
Ask for what you want!
Make yourself understood
Be open to questions, feed-back and listen well
Take time to reflect on what your partner communicates back to you
Get back to your partner if you are not feeling a sense of connection yet
Make enough efforts till you and your partner are truly connecting!
It is worth it . . .
Jess’ story
Communication about money can be hard!
My boy friend and I started out living together before we got married.
I had a nice spacious apartment and he moved in with me.
It just sort of happened.
I was 25 back then.
After 2 months or so, we were still doing fine living together for the first time in our lives.
This was great, but there was one little issue for me: I was wondering why he did not offer to share the rent of the apartment.
It seemed fair to me and at least it would be decent to bring up the topic and agree on how to handle this issue.
But not a word about it from him and I was too embarrassed to bring it up and avoiding the topic.
After awhile I started feeling up set about it and could feel that the whole thing was getting charged up.
Thoughts were racing though my mind:
I was sure that if I start about the rent issue, he would walk out on me.
Or maybe he would think it was not cool to talk about money
So I didn’t know how to handle my little fears and assumptions.
It was silly but in the end I started thinking that maybe the living together thing was not such a good idea!
After 3 months I was really fed up with it and opened the conversation on how to share the rent.
It obviously did not come out smoothly and naturally, but there it was!
I think he sensed that something was in the air.
We talked about the issue, got back at it a few times and we ended up sharing the rent, no problem.
Looking back it was no big deal, but back then it was hard for me to speak my mind.
A lot of my emotions and weird assumptions were adding up to the charge.
I learnt a lot about living together and the need to communicate!
Adrianne’s story
Misunderstandings all over the place
My husband is from Egypt.
We met in Egypt, were I was teaching as an English teacher for one year.
We decided that he would come with me after my teaching agreement would end and we would get married before we would leave Egypt.
When he first came to the West to live with me, he was adjusting big time to his new environment, new life style and of course living with me.
I remember him being on the phone a lot to talk to his brother, his sister and best friend.
In my view he was more with them in Egypt than he was with me and it was frustrating!
My friends and colleagues told me to give it time because he needed to adjust to the new situation.
Maybe he was a little homesick or did not want to miss out on what was going on in Egypt.
I could buy into all that, but wanted to tell my husband how I felt about him being on the phone for hours every evening.
But first I did some soul searching.
I questioned myself what it was that I wanted him to do instead.
Sit next to me on the couch and watch tv programs which he could not understand?
Would this would be reasonable and a fair thing to expect and ask?
What right did I think I have to decide about how he spends his time in the evenings?
And on top of this, was I being manipulative about it?
Next my mind started creating some doom scenarios.
What if he was not happy living with me far away from his home country?
And if so, what if he wanted to go back to Egypt and leave me?!
Then I realized how idiotic this whole thing was!
Here I was, 46, having a lot of life experience and still totally insecure about my relationship.
The issue at hand was only about how to spend more evenings together!
I finally figured out what it actually was that I wanted him to know.
I just wanted him to let go a little more of all the daily stuff going on in his home country and spend some more time with me in the evenings.
So I planned what I would say to him and how and also when.
When I told him what was on my mind, it turns out he also felt that something was going on with me.
But he thought that I was unhappy or disappointed living with him and wanted to get out of the marriage.
He had some assumptions of his own and we were both creating a big misunderstanding.
Not good for our marriage!
Our talk worked out great and we cleared the air.
He still kept calling a lot, but not all evenings anymore.
But the main thing is that we understand each others point and feelings.
Now we have been married for 5 years and are still going strong!
Just how serious are your underlying communication issues ?
Find out with this Underlying-Communication-Quiz quickly!
Do you have set effective communication-ground-rules?
Find out what communication-ground-rules you would like to set
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