Having Children Made Things Worse

by George
(UK)

Well, my relationship with my mother seems to have become worse since I had children. We'd had difficulties before this as we are quite different personalities: I'm quite loud and chatty and straightforward and she is quiet and reserved and finds it very difficult to speak her mind.

When my first child was born she was a great help; she was delighted to be a grandmother at last. She offered to look after her one day a week and when I went back to work we took up her offer. However, this created problems as she took my suggestions about things such as not to give my daughter salty or sweet foods very personally, feeling I was criticizing her parenting. I felt I was just wanting the best for my daughter as health advice now is different to when she raised my siblings and I. There was some tension between us and I began not to enjoy time at her house and to prefer to be at our house with our children.

Since then we have had other difficulties and fall-outs. When I got married she felt left out of the organising and was upset that a friend of hers was not invited to the wedding because of restricted numbers at the ceremony. She upset me the night before the wedding, telling me she would never get over the slight to her friend. She did not show up to look after my daughter so I could get ready for the big day and seemed to think I was silly to think of this as "my " wedding day. I was very upset and found this very hard to get over and try to forgive.

Then when my son was born we were so full of joy. However, again my mother was upset because we were thinking of naming our son after my father who she had been separated from for some time. Again she was a sour note in our time of joy and again I found this hard to forgive and understand.

I tried to talk to her about these things in the hope we could move on and improve our relationship; however, I discovered that she had a catalogue of wrongs she felt I had done her that she was upset about and she felt I was always criticizing her. I feel that she has a lot of unresolved issues (possibly from her own childhood) and self-esteem problems. I know she is also lonely but find it is hard to be loving and caring for someone who you feel has hurt you at important times in your life.

Now she has just told me that although she agreed to look after my son one morning a week when I return to work, she cannot look after him as we agreed two months ago because of her other commitments. This is just two days before my return to work. I feel angry and upset that she has let me down again.

She feels I am hard to talk to.
I feel let down and that she could have spoken to me months ago when I first raised the idea with her.

Now I am left in the lurch at a time when again I needed her support.