How can she not see that he is a monster?

by Kizza

How can she not see that he is a monster?

I apologise for the novel, this is a really twisted relationship and the people I have talked to have not been able to give advice.
This is my story:

My parents separated just after my 9th Birthday, and had shared custody. My mothers new partner came into our lives when I was about 10. They were on and off for a few years and eventually bought a house together. His opinions on different issues conflicted with my brother and I and I found that my mother began to adopt them. Her relationship with my father quickly deteriorated and her parenting style changed from authoritative to authoritarian.

My mother and her partner would regularly fight and one night, when I was 11, I saw him slap her across the face and then kick her while she was on the ground crying. He broke her nose. I was petrified of him and my mother promised me that she was leaving him. The next day they talked while I was not there and my mother decided to continue the relationship on the conditions that he goes to anger management classes, and tell her parents and his parents what he did. None of this happened, instead he convinced her a few days later to tell everyone she had walked into a wall in the night. This event was not to be talked about again.

Whenever they fought after this time my heart would stop, and I would sit there listening and deciding what to do if things turned physical again. Thankfully they never did. To this day if I here I deep male voice at night while I'm in bed I burst into tears and start trembling. Normal?

As my school work increased in my senior years I decided that I wanted some stability and to live in one house. Following two weeks of living with my mother and her partner without them saying a word between each other and my mother even looking at properties to buy in other states I decided to stay with my dad. I thought this would help my mother leave and work things out without feeling like she was destroying a 'family'. Unfortunately my intentions were not communicated in time and their relationship re-bonded by him being there to console her about my leaving.

After several months our relationship repaired, even though I was still living at my dad’s full-time. I even began to have a relationship again with her partner. After another few months my mother approached my father requesting that she have full-time custody of me, to 'fix' me and prevent me from following wrong paths. He said no. One night she then requested that I go to her house for a talk. She sat on the couch without saying a word and her partner was lecturing me about how I was going to turn into a stripper and a whore if I don’t start living with them. At the end of the lecture they gave me and ultimatum: live here or you don't have a mother. I walked out.

The next contact I had with my mother was two weeks later; she called me going off about how terrible my father was. This conversation ended with me hanging up. Two weeks later on New Year’s Eve I found all my belongings from her house on my doorstep.

Over the past 3 years she has contacted me a few times, sent me birthday cards and we even had lunch twice a year ago. During these conversations I try to communicate with her my issues with what has happened, she just wants to dispute the facts if I'm a week off on when something happened. She has not apologised and expects me to apologise to her.

She recently got married to this partner and sent me a text message informing me. She is due to give birth to his baby next month and sent me a text message inviting me to the baby shower. She finds out information about me through my brother, who I have previously asked not to tell her anything about my life.

Additionally to add another layer to this tale I found that her partner was being inappropriate with me, almost grooming me. This is another reason why I left when I did. Since I have not had a relationship with her I have found out that he was inappropriate with my younger cousin, touching her. When I questioned her about this she explained that he had now stopped drinking and had changed. What is wrong with her???

This has also destroyed my relationship with my mother’s mother, when I did speak to her all she wanted to tell me was how wrong I was. This man destroyed her life; she has no friends from before she was with him, no relationship with me, and barely a relationship with her brother his family. She has married him, adopted his religion and is having his child.

She sent me a birthday card last year telling me that she had unconditional love for me (do you remember the ultimatum you gave me?).

She has been trying to make contact with me recently, but I'm so lost. This is the woman that gave me my morals and has then gone against them all. We used to be best friends and now I feel she is a different person. Still I can't help but feel like a bad person for choosing not to have a relationship with her; however I can just see it being filled with drama. I would like to have a relationship with my mother and her new child; however I hate her husband and never want to even see him again.

What can I do? Is there any way to get her to see things from my position? Does she deserve to be part of my life after disowning me and causing me so much pain?

For the record:

My father is a great father and I did not turn out to be a stripper. I have just turned 19, just finished my second year at university, working a part-time job as well as tutoring and have been in the best relationship with my boyfriend for two years.

I have always been doing really well at school and was not doing drugs or anything that would suggest I needed to be fixed. The problem my mother’s partner was that I wasn't locked away in a house cleaning and cooking.

Help me!
Kizza