I have never had a proper relationship with my mother.
I am the only girl in a family of 6, so I have 5 brothers and I am also the eldest.
From an early age, I came to understand that 'they' my brothers, came first.
My mother would always tell her friends quietly that she preferred to bring up 5 boys rather than one girl. That is how I always felt, on the edge of the family. I always got the blame for being 'the bad one' and of course as I grew up, I acted on her words. I became a rebel and got in with the wrong crowd.
As I got older, the relationship I should have had with my mother, never developed.
I have tried believe you me.
Buying her little presents, trying to include her in family outings but always the same, cutting remarks, comparing me with other female relatives, always talking about my brothers and always picking holes in what I say and do. Even my husband comments as does my own daughter, (who I might add is a wonderful girl and we have a brilliant relationship.)
Some years ago, we sadly lost our only son to cancer and my mother has never really tried to understand our loss. She once told me, 'it's more important to care for the living than the dead.'
How can anybody say that to their child who has lost a child?!
To date, at best we tolerate each other. She is old now and I guess I feel sad that so many years have gone by and nothing has been resolved. I don't expect things will change because to be honest, she is quite happy with her little brood of sons.
She once told me that it was nice to have a daughter when they grow older. That hurt me no end, so I was no good as a youngster but I am OK now as I am older?
I could go on about how sad and bitter I feel, but it would not change a thing.
Today we had a blazing row and she told me to sort my head out - I guess I need to but all I really want is a hug and to be told that I am loved and respected.
My father died almost 40 years ago and I miss him dreadfully. He and I had a good relationship because we were so alike - my mother and I are chalk and cheese really as I am quite emotional and outgoing and she is very cold and reserved.
I am trying hard to work on the forgiveness thing, but at the moment I am very hurt and tender and deep in my heart, I know that things will never change.