I have never had a proper relationship with my mother.

by Gerry
(UK)

I am the only girl in a family of 6, so I have 5 brothers and I am also the eldest.
From an early age, I came to understand that 'they' my brothers, came first.

My mother would always tell her friends quietly that she preferred to bring up 5 boys rather than one girl. That is how I always felt, on the edge of the family. I always got the blame for being 'the bad one' and of course as I grew up, I acted on her words. I became a rebel and got in with the wrong crowd.

As I got older, the relationship I should have had with my mother, never developed.
I have tried believe you me.
Buying her little presents, trying to include her in family outings but always the same, cutting remarks, comparing me with other female relatives, always talking about my brothers and always picking holes in what I say and do. Even my husband comments as does my own daughter, (who I might add is a wonderful girl and we have a brilliant relationship.)

Some years ago, we sadly lost our only son to cancer and my mother has never really tried to understand our loss. She once told me, 'it's more important to care for the living than the dead.'
How can anybody say that to their child who has lost a child?!

To date, at best we tolerate each other. She is old now and I guess I feel sad that so many years have gone by and nothing has been resolved. I don't expect things will change because to be honest, she is quite happy with her little brood of sons.

She once told me that it was nice to have a daughter when they grow older. That hurt me no end, so I was no good as a youngster but I am OK now as I am older?
I could go on about how sad and bitter I feel, but it would not change a thing.

Today we had a blazing row and she told me to sort my head out - I guess I need to but all I really want is a hug and to be told that I am loved and respected.

My father died almost 40 years ago and I miss him dreadfully. He and I had a good relationship because we were so alike - my mother and I are chalk and cheese really as I am quite emotional and outgoing and she is very cold and reserved.

I am trying hard to work on the forgiveness thing, but at the moment I am very hurt and tender and deep in my heart, I know that things will never change.

Gerry.



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Jan 28, 2014
My mother daughter relationship
by: Anonymous

I tried for 50 years to get my mother to love me or just acknowledge me. I was the scapegoat and my two older brothers were golden. She was so jealous of my relationship with my dad whom I adored. He was so kind and she was so mean, total opposites. I learned from early childhood to not show dad affection because she would get so mad. I was shut out of all family functions and holidays. If I invited myself she always managed to let me know this was not my home. My mom was very mean to me and would do it in her covert way of waiting for my dad or anyone around to leave the room etc. I always knew if I contradicted her I would be treated even more coldly. She never attended any school functions, never took me clothes shopping, fixed my hair, any of the things mommies do with their daughters. I can remember so many times just going off to myself and saying "I hate her so much" but I was never able to stand up to her and she was allowed to just keep backstabbing me. She could not be bothered to help me get a prom dress, attend my wedding or help me prepare for the wedding. Again she could not be bothered when I gave birth to my daughter, she never even called me or came by to see her. It is so hard to watch my friends mothers just go all out for their daughters. She talked about me to anyone who will listen, said the meanest things about me. I was never able to continue a good relationship with my dad due to never being invited or she would tell him she had called but I declined. She lies so much and manipulates the scenario to suit her mood at the time. My brothers were always the center of attention and she bought them cars, homes, property etc. I got nothing.
My dad got very sick and died suddenly, she shut me out of my dad’s hospital stay, death and funeral. I was so hurt and humiliated, then she told everyone that Dad did not love and did not want me there. I was so heartbroken, she finally succeeded in ruining my relationship with the only person who was good to me. I have not spoken or seen her in 8 years. This was the most painful moment in my life and I will never forget the pleasure and smile smirk on her face with my dad lying there dying. I do think that maybe dad dying really was the catalyst that ended the painful relationship I had with her. She can never hurt me again, and I know she would hurt me until her last breath. I love and cherish my own daughter and grandson so much, I could and would never hurt them or cause them any pain.
NEVER!

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Dec 04, 2011
Jerry
by: Anonymous

I cried after reading your story because it could have been my own. Oldest daughter, least liked and had a doted on younger brother.

My Mom is the matriarch since my Dad died 30 years ago and until his death we seemed to have a normal family. After he died she let me know I was least liked and I moved a few states away. I was a daddies girl and she hated that.

Then my icky brother in law tried to take advantage of me at my sisters and my Mom cruelly asked me to take the blame for it.
My sister said it was my fault of course even though he was repulsive to me and everyone else. Because I refused my Mother said my siblings disowned me but it was her doing.

She then could visit me a few times a year to see her grandson and keep me at arms length. She has a boyfriend now that she brought up twice to meet me and my son but I am not allowed to meet his children or him again.

Only my brother can do that she said recently. He is her "baby boy" as she said. That hurt me so much that I have been crying as it is the holidays and just my son and me. We thought we might meet my Moms boyfriends children as they all live on the same lake in Massachusetts. I thought it would be good for Ry and me but alas she said no. I think she is afraid she would lose her tight control over what is said and her lies would come out.

I don't even know what she tells her boyfriend about our family? He has a close relationship with his two children that are my age and my Mom see's them every other week when she visits him. On alternate weeks he goes to her house in Ct. and see's my siblings but I am not allowed to go there. She comes to New Hampshire to see me a few times a year and likes it that way. Some parents like to keep their children where they want them and control any relationships within the family. It hurts me to be left out and now be left out of ever meeting her boyfriends kids. I said so I won't get to meet them until your funeral and she said yes. I doubt they know much about me at all except whatever my Mom has said.

My Mom had a brother who was scapegoated just like me over something so minor. He kept in contact with my grandmother but none of the siblings talked to him again. It is almost like she is replaying it in her own family.

On our last phone call she said she was in therapy again. She also dropped the bomb that I was also disowned from Waynes kids. I can't go on pretending everything is right and have been crying as I feel left out again.

I don't even want to call her anymore because I'm afraid I will bring up the truth which she can't handle and say how hurt I am. I want to cancel her christmas visit which she tells me when she is coming to bring our gifts so bad. I want out of being her scapegoat and pretending everything is fine. I'm just sad...
Kelly

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Sep 02, 2011
Thank you !
by: Gerry

Thank you for the time you have taken to deliver wise words.

At present, I am still a little raw and shaken by the other day's events.

I do pray for forgiveness and ask that a way be made so things will improve. I understand that our relationship will never be what I want it to be, as too many years have gone by and too many hurtful things have been said and done. But I would like to think that we could salvage something of this relationship.

It is hurtful to have a mother that prefers her sons and makes that fact knowledge, and looking back, I can recall that her mother did the same so the circle was never broken. But I was determined not to behave the same with my own children.

Obviously when our son became sick, all attention was on him and it was a difficult time for our own daughter, seeing our loss and grief and she having to deal with her own feelings of loss and grief, but eventually we did grieve as a family and that helped us with the bonding process.

Today our relationship is wonderful, I have two beautiful grandchildren and we love and respect each other. I could not ask for a better mother/daughter relationship.

I would love to have the same with my own mother, but realise this will never be possible, at best, I might be able to find some sort of peace and resolution before she gets much older.

Thank you once again.

Gerry

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Sep 02, 2011
Try this . . . . .
by: V.A.

I feel for you as I have very similar experiences with my mother.
It is very painful to be denied love, unconditional love.
Are you sure things never change? Things will never change IF you don't work it. Here is how.

Step 1 Unload pain, hurt & rejection
To change the way you feel it is necessary to start working with the way you feel right now. Acknowledge how you feel, all those heavy emotions.
You might feel pain, rejection, anger, hate, disappointment and a lot of hurt.
It is totally normal to feel this way because of how your mother treated you.
Allow to be with your emotions, let them become intense, let the pain, anger or hate or whatever become as intense as possible. If you do, the feelings will peak, like exploding in your chest or belly. This sounds scary, but it is not so bad, because these emotions will subside. Maybe you will experience more of the same at a later moment, but it will be less intense and you just know you can survive these emotions.

Step 2 Give yourself the love, acknowledgement & acceptance you want and need
Find out what you want and need. Is it acknowledgement? Give it to yourself.
For example affirm every day to yourself: I am a good person. I deserve love. I am here for a great purpose. Find friends who can acknowledge you in a similar way. Is it love you crave the most? Give it to yourself. For example affirm every day to yourself: I am loving, I give and receive love easily. I am LOVE itself. Is it acceptance you want? Affirm every day to yourself: I accept myself 100%. I accept myself fully, with all my imperfections, funny habits, talents, gifts and wonderful qualities. It would be wonderful to do the same for your daughter. Give her plenty of love! From feeling fulfilled, the next step comes natural.

Step 3 Forgive your mother
Your mother may have suffered hurt herself which she needs to work out first before being able to be receptive to affection, respect & love.
Do NOT take it personally as your mother may have her own issues which may have nothing to do with you at all. With understanding comes compassion. Forgiving becomes natural.

Step 4 Create the relationship you want with your mother.
Find out what qualities you want to experience in the relationship with your mother. Qualities like affection and love? Feel free to pick the qualities that warm your heart.
Next, live by example and give yourself and your mother these qualities you seek. Be consistent and follow through. Give your mother time to pick up on love and respect and to get used to them.

Step 5 Be there for mother!
My mother was left alone and abandoned by her son. He (my brother) did not want to have anything to do with this sick, cranky, old mother of him. This was very painful to her. I took care of mother till her last breath.

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