I Need Advice Badly for Coming Christmas . . .

by Kelly
(New Hampshire USA)

Hi,

I am so totally confused by my Mother's behavior that I gave up a long time ago on trying to be anything meaningful to her. I think she may have a mental disorder like Narcissistic Personality Disorder that she can function well at work but at home she doesn't do so well. I'm 48 years old and the oldest of four children and this has been going on since I was a teen. Reading other women's stories I realized that so many daughters and Mothers hurt each other terribly and it can scar you for life. I hope you can help me decide what to do.

She has always had favorites and I am not one of them. Out of four siblings the last two are the favored ones and get everything and my middle sister and me the oldest get nothing. My Mom gives herself everything first and then her favorite children next. My father died of leukemia in 1991 and after he died my Mom just went off the deep end with money. She had him change the will on his deathbed so everything went to her. She spent almost all of the millions in real estate she was left. If she has a boyfriend like now he trumps the kids in everything. I have accepted this with years of therapy and I even made an amends to her for anything I did wrong growing up as part of a 12th step program which she accepted. She never returned the amends on her part but that is not what doing the amends was about. It was for me to clean up my side of the street. I got a lot of relief and acceptance after that until now.

My Mom recently got rid of her property on paper and the money in the bank so that hopefully 5 years will pass before she needs a nursing home or elder care. After 5 years she won't be penalized on her property if she needs to go into a nursing home. I have been disowned from my siblings for over 10 years because I refused to apologize to my family and take the blame for my brother in law making a pass at me when I was drunk. He didn't rape me or anything, just threw me in the back of a pickup truck and touched me under my clothes which is all I remember before I passed out. My Mom makes the rules since my Dad died and she told me that because I refused to take the blame I was disowned. My BIL never had to take the blame over his part in it. I never liked my BIL and he makes me sick as he does most of the family but still I was found guilty by Mom, not him. I think this was to appease my sister who was mad at him over it. My Mom comes and visits me and my son a few times a year but we cannot go to her waterfront duplex which is now split between her two favorite children when she dies. I get nothing and my son got 50,000 dollars which he bought a mobile home.

She brought up her boyfriend a couple of times to meet me and my son and we got along well. He has two children my age and they all live close together on a lake in MA. Mom spends every other weekend at his place and the other half he goes to hers. She won't marry him because then she would lose my Dad's pension and good insurance. Her BF is also well off but his kids guard their inheritance which is smart of them. They see her every other weekend so I'm sure they have figured her out. I found out last week on the phone that My son and I will never get to meet her bf's children or go to his house. I asked why and she just said no. So basically I get to meet them at my Mothers funeral... if they go. My Mom has mentioned that my brother has been to visit at his home and meet his children so I asked why he gets to if My son and I are not allowed to? She just said, He's my baby boy! So now I am disowned from his family too! I am sure this is because she never wants the story of what really happened with my BIL to come out and any other lies she has fed him. She told him my Dad was an abusive alcoholic which is not true. He was very sweet to her especially the last 6 years when he got sick and gave her anything she wanted. My brother also has a resentment against my father because he never paid any attention to him due to his illness and my Mom accidentally getting pregnant at 40. He is 13 years younger then me. My Dad went out and had a vasectomy because they had agreed on no more children. I think my Mom got pregnant to keep my Dad as he was not getting along with her and because she always wanted a boy and had three girls.

I know I should after everything that has happened just accept this latest blow but it really hurt me to the point I have not called her and she has not called me and Christmas is in a few weeks. She is angry I called her on her BS. which I did.

I am really thinking of just cutting my losses at this point and my Mom would probably love to be rid of me anyway. She only visits a few times a year for one night to see her Grandson. I don't feel any love for her anymore just hurt. She makes up the rules and has to control everyone in the family. She even came to visit me once just to use my computer to spy on her bf! She has his password and her computer was in the shop and she used me and my computer to spy on him. I found out and told her that it is very wrong to spy on him. She used to read my diary as a kid and loves to spy on people. Her visits are never about seeing me!

So my question is what would you do if you were in my shoes? Cut your losses and write her off as she has me or keep putting up with the charade? Holidays are so lonely for my son and me since my Dad died and we used to get together as a family. She never had holidays at the house after he died because she spent her winters in expensive resorts with her boyfriend at the time. She basically comes up to exchange gifts and drops off a few, takes us to lunch and leaves the next morning.
It is not very Christmassy at all.
She always leaves after I go to church so she can snoop around my house for something juicy!
I have nothing to hide!

What do you think?
Thanks and sorry so long...

Kelly