Loss-of-Mother . . . Being Motherless

The loss-of-mother can be emotionally overwhelming. It can be sad, full of grieving.
Maybe a sense of powerlessness and hopelessness associated with death is present.
Or anger, rages of anger.
Or are you in the stage of denial of loosing your mother?

Maybe her death was quick and sudden, maybe she suffered a long term illness.
Whatever the case may be, loosing a parent is usually a special event, a milestone in your life.
Especially loosing your mother is a special event, since she is the person who delivered you in your physical body.

Your mother may also have had the most share in bringing you up and thereby giving you most of her views on life, her habits and legacy. Loosing your mother, this person, this source of your upbringing can be very painful and a big loss.

Stages of loss and grieving
Most people seem to go through stages of grieving when confronted with loss and death.
These stage are first the stage of denial, next feelings of anger with varying intensity.
Next people tend to negotiate to be able to undo the loss or death. They negotiate with themselves or with God.
In the next stage it becomes apparent that negotiating does not work and a depression may set in.
One of the last stages of grieving is a state of acceptance. Accepting more or less that there was a loss and losses are to be taken for what they are.

Finally the state of peace may set in.
People may be in one of these stages for some time or get stuck in one or more stages.

Holding on to emotions is also not healthy.
Emotions of sadness or anger may certainly give you benefits in terms of getting attention, understanding and affection from others.
However, holding on to emotions is not healthy because as emotions are ‘things’ that need to flow.
As said before, emotions flow slowly or fast but emotions need to flow.

About grieving
When your loss-of-mother occurs, it is good to give grieving a proper place in your life.
It is OK to grieve and spend time contemplating your loss.
Follow your inner feeling about how intense and how long you want and need to be in your process of grieving.

What is your actual loss?
When you are loosing or lost your mother an array of sometimes overwhelming feelings come up.
Sadness, anger, disappointment, love, fear and grief to name a few.
What is happening?
What have you lost actually?

Her love, her presence, her warmth and even her bitching at you!
The way she looked at you.
Her gifts.
And all the things you have done before together.
And all the things you wanted to do together, but never have gotten to do together.
Painful memories.
Sweet memories.
Vanishing future plans . . . the trip you two still wanted to do.
The party plans . . . the things you still wanted to say to her.
The things you still need to her from her.
Unanswered questions.
And do you still long for her love?

Coming to terms with loss-of-mother
Loss-of-Mother. Loss of her love for you.
How can you take this loss? It is very hard.
It takes time.

Have you lost your mother forever? Yes, in the physical.
But in the invisible world, in the other dimensions, she as a soul being is still there.
Consider this: this soul being can not die as it was never born.
Experiencing your mother as a soul being may help you to come to terms with your loss-of-mother.

It is possible and easy to sense and talk to a your Mother as a soul being. In this sense you have not lost anything.
She as a soul being will extend her love to you.
All you have to do is be open to her love and receive it.
And accept her passing. Let her be in peace and experience peace yourself with the loss-of-mother.

Mother’s passing was a big loss to me.
With her passing, a big source of love, intimacy and warmth disappeared out of my world.
I had a hard time getting used to this. The funeral went quickly, like a dream.

A couple of weeks later it suddenly hit me: my Mommy died!
She would not come back from some trip abroad, she actually was gone forever.
This was the time when my grieving really started. I would not go out since the smallest memory of her would make me cry no matter where I was; at home, in my car, in a restaurant or in some public place.
My loss-of-mother and her death sentiment was huge!

After a year or so I still would have some sad moods around her passing, but I came to terms with my loss.
This does not mean that I do not miss her anymore; I miss her enormously!
Specially on her birthday, Christmas, mother’s day and other special festive days.
I am sure that my loss-of-mother has had the biggest impact on my life so far.

Giselle’s Story
Accepting the Death of My Mother

The loss-of-mother is a big tragedy!
I am sad and am grieving, but I also feel very grateful for her angelic spirit, her loving heart and the way she patiently brought me up.
She used to take a real interest in my life and my friends and school, but not in a controlling way.

When I left my parents home, she kept in touch but also gave me space to be independent and free and to come home when I wanted to come home.
She had a life of her own and was also always available to me, somehow.

Last year she became ill.
She said to me that she had a wonderful life and it was ok for her to close the book.
I said that was nonsense and that we would get her on her feet again in no time and still had great years ahead of us.
But she was right of course and after spending time with everyone who was dear to her to say goodbye, she quietly and peacefully passed away.
I am accepting her death, but can help missing her!

Nicky’s Story
A Letter to my Mother in Death

Hello Mom,

I know you are dead, but I still have many things I would like to tell you.

Not fair to Dad
Belittling me
How I feel not being acknowledged for my successes
Being nasty to Peter (ex boy friend)
Why so little love?

Last night I dreamt about my mother, who died 4 years ago.
I remember how I felt when I left the hospital right after her passing. I assured myself that she passed in peace with no pain. The nurse on duty of the IC was very kind to me.
She held me by the shoulders and asked me if she could call any family or friend who could take me home.
I felt comfort and said I was OK so far with the loss-of-mother and left by myself.

I felt numb during the funeral and two weeks after my mother had deceased.
I also remember sleeping very light for about a month.
I felt exhausted. Then I started crying.
Crying all the time with no apparent reason or trigger.

Two months later my sleeping patterns got back to normal. I finally was able to think more clearly again and an emotional shift occurred.
I had lost my dear mother. And I had lost the opportunity to experience her love for me.
I always felt a lack of her love and with her death this expression of love was gone forever.

So last night I dreamt about my mother. She was young, bright and shining once more!
She looked more like a best girlfriend. She smiled and addressed me like a friend.
She confided to me that she never experienced love from her mother while growing up. She never knew how love felt, only how this longing for love felt. Longing for love felt like a silent ache.But that was all a whisper of a memory now.
She said she loved me dearly.
She approached me, kissed me on my forehead very tenderly.
Next she waved and was gone.
At that moment I woke up. I actually felt my mother’s love! Tears of joy!

I didn’t get to say goodbye in person to my mom and this is the hardest thing for me.
I could not feel joy for a long time. Instead I felt guilty, I felt utterly sad and sometimes very angry. There were also days of numbness when I was emotionally drained.

My light at the end of the tunnel appeared when an acquaintance of a good friend of mine told me that my loss-of-mother was an illusion.
I should pray and talk to the spirit or soul being of my mom. At first I felt very awkward with this notion, but in the end I realized I had nothing more to loose.

Because of my emotional states my husband was seeing another woman. I started praying. Praying that my marriage would hold ground.
Praying that the other woman would be punished. I started talking about my marital problems to my mom. I felt better instantly!

I felt the presence of my mom! No need to say goodbye after all.
My mom loves me and protects me and this was a revelation to me.
In the end my husband and I saved our marriage.

Loss of Daughter

My beautiful daughter died. This is a great loss to me.
This is not supposed to be, this is not natural, I should have died before her. Loosing her hurts me as much as the loss-of-mother before. A tragedy.

Jo’s Story
Maria, my daughter died of anorexia

She was only 38 kg when she had to be taken to the hospital with complications.
Two weeks later she was gone.

I still feel guilty about how she had become anorexia to begin with.
We were a pretty normal family all along when Maria started fussing about eating.
She was 12 years old. Actually she wasn’t a big eater as a kid to begin with.
But I didn’t notice something was very wrong with Maria till she was about 16.

We had been through hospital emergencies a couple of times, a number of revalidation programs, and therapies.
When Maria was 24, she was back to the hospital again and this time it was the last time.
I was at her bedside during the last two weeks of her life.
Brought her little gifts things she enjoyed, cheerful cards, a snug teddy bear, beautiful silk flowers, a necklace with a heart pendant, a pink blouse, balloons.

One of those days when different medical treatments were proposed she whispered in her weak frail voice:
“Momma, I don’t want treatments any more”.
I assured her this was OK if this was what she really wanted and simultaneously I realized that Maria now gave up on her life.

After this time she allowed me to hold her hand and caress her thin hair and small cheeks.
By accepting death she finally allowed affection and love come into her life. These were precious moments!

A few days later she lost consciousness.
The feeding through the tubes revived her body for some time but the digestive system was also shutting down slowly specially the intestines.

Maria opened her eyes once more before she left us when I was at her bedside. I was so grateful for that moment.
Her eyes were shining, transparent and clear. She looked at me but she was also in some other place already.

In my idea this young woman had a life before her and so many things to see, to do and to experience, but when I looked into her eyes that moment, I felt she was done with it all. And she was at peace with leaving her life for what it was.

At that moment I could not disagree with her and it all felt so natural.
Later I felt guilty and questioned myself why I let her go that easily. What I have done wrong, how I failed in raising her to a healthy adult. Maybe I have not loved her enough.

Maria was a very special child, an angelic soul who was very hard on herself.

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