Ms Trusting

by Lydia Rahude
(South Africa)

I am one of the girl twins and of three more siblings.
My mother raised us with our step father who is my younger brother's dad.
All 21 years we thought he was our father!!!
The secret was kept amongst the senior family members, my older sidlings, both sister and brother have different dads, and they also never knew about our dad.

It is complicated, because they were raised by our grandmother, and my parents were with us occationally.
When our step dad died, four years later we found out about our biological dad.


I felt betrayed and I was suicidal, I drank pain killers. I well abused them, then I became very promiscuous and nearly went astray from my studies.

Fortunately I went and saw a psychologist, who assited in me getting better.
My relationship with my mother is still rocky at the moment, and I do NOT TRUST HER AT ALL.

I am at the moment working with her at a project, and I wish we could get our relatioship working better.

I have made my mistakes and I am realising how difficult it is to be a woman, I do not have a child of my own, ad she had five of us to look after.

Not having a father figure has also crippled me, and now it is hard for me to keep a relationship, and I do not trust commitment.

Some things I feel I want to ask my mother but we tend to fight a lot, I feel she is focusing in my downfalls as much as I am in Hers.
I see the cycle but I feel I am do not have the tools to fix it.