My mom & I can't communicate!
How do I repair our broken relationship?

by Anon
(Queens, NY, USA)

Hi,

I feel as though my mom and I don't know each other at all.
I am 27 now, she is in her early 60's. We have had a really rough time ever since I was a teenager, she has always, as far back as I can remember, been a passive communicator. I was always very confrontational when I was angry, but secretive about anything I thought would make her mad or angry. I remember her leaving little notes all the time, making me feel like I had to write her little notes to ask questions (as a kid). She's never been a very open communicator. She comes from a background of an abusive father and no mother after she was 12 or 13 years old, I always wonder how much of that has played into how our relationship is.

I am more like my dad, in that I don't hesitate to speak my mind. He and I get along much easier. It makes me nervous to talk to my mom, because I don't want to upset her or make her feel bad. But, I realize I am just holding in who I really am from her so as not to rock the boat. I am also afraid to confront her after all this time, and overcome resentments. There's a lot of guilt and shame associated with my mom.

As an adult, she prefers to email me and mostly small talk, usually with a few passive aggressive remarks (I don't even think she realizes she does it). She's always very supportive, almost "too-nice" I never feel like she is being real with me. She seems almost afraid of me, it's as if she thinks of me as the same person I was when I was 16 years old. She's afraid that I will get mad and blow up at her.

I am afraid to disappoint or hurt her, so I don't ever say anything negative to her at all, and I know it's not healthy. She won't open up to me, and I've tried to get her to communicate openly, but she just can't. In turn, I lock down back to "polite" mode, not me at all, in order to make sure she is comfortable and okay. I can see that she is holding back expressing herself to anybody, she seems so strange to me. I only see her twice a year, which makes it even harder.

My boyfriend of three years pointed out how hard it is for him to relax and be himself around my family because I am unable to be myself with my family, particularly mom. He immediately noticed, as someone outside of the family, how nervous and sort of "too polite" my mom acts, even to me. As if she's so unsure of herself she just makes sure everyone else is constantly comfortable and ok, never talking or having a real conversation with any of us. I'm worried about the effects of my relationship with her will have on my current and future relationships. I already have started off with a strange relationship with my fiancé’s mom because of this.
I'm so afraid to be myself in front of her, with no good reason. She's the opposite of my mom, completely open, warm and boisterous. But because she's a mother figure, I just can't relax and let go.

I am realizing how important it is to improve my relationship with my mom, but have no clue what the first step should be. I love her, and I want to get to know her on a deeper level, and I want her to be able to see who I have become, and I want to know who she is. I just feel like I'm starting off from a big heaping train wreck that has to clear before we can rebuild.
How do I initiate taking our relationship down the right path for once?

Thank you,

A