Public Shame, Hurt

by Bethany
(Tulsa, Oklahoma, US)

My mother goes through phases, like the moon. She can be bright and light up the sky or she can be dark and make it impossible to see.
Because of this, sometimes we had issues getting along.

When I was growing up, she would change her mind about how she felt about things, what I was allowed to do, and how I spent my time.
Because she couldn't ever make up her mind on how to raise me due to these "phases" where her personality would, literally, change.

Because of these changes, I rarely brought friends over to meet her unless they were very close.

For about four months my mom had gone through one of her good phases. She and I had been getting along perfectly and it was wonderful.

She was very proud of me because I'd been exercising and dieting and had gone from a size 15 to a 9 in three months.

I was working hard.
My mother was dieting with me and had gone from a 24 to a 20.

I invited my close friend over to my home for the first time to spend the night after a day of shopping because none of my clothes fit. I told my mom of these plans a week in advance.

I babysat my boyfriend's little sister and made $20, which was my shopping money.

My friend and I went out and I only spent $6 but I'd managed to get two outfits as we were very thrifty.

I came home and told my mom. She then, in front of my friend, yelled at me for wasting money when she, herself, had said I needed new clothes the day before.

Then, after my friend and I retreated into my room, my mom came in and said she needed $10 to wash her car.
Literally right after she yelled at me for spending money. I didn't understand her logic, considering she had her own money, but for some reason she needed mine. So I gave it to her and she left.

That night, when she and I made dinner, she spent the whole time making digs at my weight. Saying I was fat and that I should quit eating. After I'd worked so hard. I lost 38 pounds in three months and she chose to make comments about my weight, knowing that it would hurt my self-esteem and destroy my new found confidence.

What made it all the more worse is that it was in front of my friend.

When I confronted her, she said she was punishing me for eating Oreos. At lunch, before I went to get my friend, I ate four Oreo cookies. Other than dinner, that was all I'd eaten that day.

She then said I should give the rest of the pack of Oreos to my friend that was over "because she's skinny."

I spent the rest of the night crying in my room while my friend tried to cheer me up.

This happened two years ago, when I was seventeen. I am now nineteen and still a size 9, my desired size.

She apologized the next day and acknowledged that she was out of line. But I still, to this day, don't understand what was going through her head that night.
Why did she say those things?
Why did she, literally, harass me that whole day?

I hadn't fought with her or done anything to make her mad other than eat four Oreo cookies after months of dieting. It was a reward to myself. Shouldn't she understand that? She ate reward foods. She was overweight. Why wasn't I allowed to eat a few cookies?
And why did she say these things in front of my friend?
Why did she embarrass me like that?
Hurt me like that? She knew what she was saying would hurt more than anything else.

With all the fat jokes I'd experienced growing up? Why did she make them at me after I'd lost 40 pounds to be 140 instead of 180? After I became the size someone 5'6 with my body type should be at?

I still haven't forgiven her for that night.
I admit it.
Because she had, literally, spit on all the hard work I'd done to be healthy and look good.

She also knew that my weight was a huge issues with my self-esteem. But she insulted me anyway. And she did this in front of my friend.
That hurts.