Queen Bee Syndrome

by CPM
(San Jose, CA, USA)

My mother was a strong, controlling woman. She is what I dub a "Queen Bee". She admitted she didn't like other women and even though, unspoken it was quite clear that included me, her only daughter.

Some of this came out in competitive behavior that focused mostly on my appearance. She would tell me she didn't like: my hair, my clothes, that my breasts were too big and that she was thinner than I am at her age. She'd have me try on an old belt of hers that she knew wouldn't fit then exclaim: "I was thinner than you!"

Later in life, I sent flowers to her on Mother's Day. When my husband & I called her, she thanked him and wouldn't give me any credit. She asked: "How did he know my favorite color?" Of course he didn't.

After she passed away, I helped my Dad clear out her things. I found many gifts I had given her with tags still on them. She couldn't even accept my gifts (out of spite?).

To highlight this competitive, aggressive relationship was her loving, supportive relationship with my younger brother. Being 17 months younger than I, he was so close in age that her treatment of him was difficult for me to see. As we came home together for a Thanksgiving holiday. he walked in ahead of me; to see my mother's face light up and the love in her face that I've never seen broke my heart.

Unfortunately, my father is such a quiet, passive man that he allowed her to behave in whatever way she wanted to keep peace at home. Later this included bestowing large monetary gifts to my brother.

I have chalked this up to the Queen Bee syndrome. I have tried to console myself that it's not about me, but just the fact that I am another female.