Lacking relationship-commitment?

To Get Commitment and To Be Committed ...

Jeff’s story:
Relationship-commitment ???

I have always had a very difficult time making decisions and committing myself.
To go back to school is such a time commitment.
Should I buy a house at this time? is another commitment.

To find some other way to bring in extra income (not sure how?) is an commitment.
What to do with the rest of my life . . .
my list goes on and on and then there is also the issue of relationship-commitment!

I have so many doubts, complicated thoughts and stuff that is holding me back.
I end up doing nothing because I am afraid once I have started, I will change my mind down the line (the very next day!).

My name is Jeff and I am 28 years old and life and relationships are happening to me.
I do not feel like I am in control of it all, specially if a relationship needs my commitment.

Of course I have had wonderful girl friends who are all fine, but I don’t seem to be able to commit myself to either one of those fine women.

I am also afraid of getting old and ending up alone and totally lonely.
Of course this notion is silly, because I am only in my twenties now, but still . . .

Why relationship-commitment?

Relationship commitment is needed to experience a relationship more fully, more deeply, to feel love and be loved in your relationship or marriage.
Relationship commitment also makes that people in a relationship feel affected by another and experience the relationship and connection as “real”.

Relationships where commitment is lacking, feel shallow emotionally, have less meaning and do not feel “real”.
These relationships are more like acting out and spinning wheels.Relationship-commitment brings people closer to one another.

What does relationship commitment mean to you?

Relationship commitment may mean different things to different people.
This meaning often determines how people are able to commit themselves to a relationship.
Find out more where you stand in your relationship commitment . . .


• Relationship-Commitment Tip:
Ask your self:
What does relationship commitment mean to me?

• Relationship commitment is part of a real relationship for me
• Relationship commitment feels like a risk to me
• Relationship commitment does not work for me

• Relationship commitment is scary!

• Relationship commitment limits my freedom

• Relationship commitment narrows my options so much
• Relationship commitment is a pain, if I commit, I get hurt!

• Relationship commitment is like a punishment
• I have too many doubts about relationships and commitment to relationships

• I got burnt the last time I committed myself

• I have never seen a good example, my parents did not live together
• I can’t be myself in a close relationship

• Relationship commitment is not an issue for me
• Relationship commitment is a no-brainer for me!
• Other meanings . . .

My name is Billy and I am 62 years (oh well!).
I am divorced and have one grown-up daughter.
I live alone and I am not entirely happy with this situation.

I want to know how a close relationship really feels and yet I do not want to . . .
I want to find my soul mate (if one exists!) and yet I do not want to . . .
I want to have a family life and yet I do not . . .
I want to feel loved and yet . . .

Before I know it, I am involved with someone and feel pushed to commit again.
Before I know it, it gets out of hand and I will be abandoned again!

Call me a cynic, but I don’t know how relationships work for other people, it certainly does not work for me!



• Relationship-Commitment Tip:
Let’s look closer at what may stop you from going for relationship commitment.
Ask your self:
Am I afraid relationship commitment will hurt me?

• I feel pushed
• I will be abandoned
• I will be rejected (again)

• I can’t be who I really am in a committed relationship
• I will be overwhelmed by the other
• The other will turn against me in due course
• Other . . .

• Relationship-Commitment Tip:
Ask yourself:
What do my hindering relationship commitment patterns have to do with my parents?

Want to know how the relationship with your parents impacts your relationship commitment?

Find out how the relationship with your parents impacts your relationship commitment now!


• Relationship-Commitment Tip:

If you recognize relationship commitment patterns in your life, would you like to change those patterns?

Do you believe relationship commitment patterns can be changed at all?

Are you ready to do what it takes to change hindering relationship commitment patterns?

How to get to more relationship-commitment

The next step is:

• Admitting that you are not happy with the way relationship commitment is doing
• Deciding to do something constructive about your relationship commitment

Deciding to commit yourself to the relationship may feel scary at first.

Doubts are overwhelming, past painful experiences may pop up again.

You may change your mind later and then it will be too late!
You may get into arguments with your partner and you don’t want that at all.
You may be painfully separated later and it will be trouble for “nothing”.

All these things may be very true,
However:

• There are effective ways to heal your painful past (emotional side of things)
• It is also an option to be rational about your relationship-commitment
• It is also attractive to experience relationship commitment, because . . .
• It is great to have a “real”. relationship!
• It is great to fully love and be fully loved !

Step 1: Completely reject the ‘new’ idea of you going to commit yourself to your relationship
Step 2: Vehemently oppose the idea of your relationship commitment
(Voicing this loudly with passion if you can, works best!)

Step 3: Embrace the new idea of you going to commit yourself to your relationship with your heart
Step 4: Start feeling better and better about your relationship commitment!

How to help your partner to get to more relationship-commitment

I have been married for 7 years now.
This is my second marriage. My first marriage ended after 10 years.
I am not going to tell what my age is!

Before I got married for the second time to Jake my husband, I was still seeing an ex boyfriend (Brett whom I know from my college days) and also some other guy at work.
Jake did not know about all this.

Jake grew impatient and got a little pushy about getting married because we have been dating for 3 years, and he was ready to move on to what he called “real relationship commitment”.
That was his view.
For me it was a terrifying thing!
He expected me to commit to him and live with the consequences for the rest of my life!

I had so many doubts about relationships, my financial situation, not getting hurt again and on and on.

Besides, if I was to be married I felt I should stop seeing the other guys and I did not want to loose that freedom of non-attached, problem-free fun.

In the back of my mind I was also doubting if Jake would be the best husband I could get.
What if there is somebody else out there who would be my real soul mate?

After a couple of our mutual friends got married (all second marriages!), Jake really put the pressure on me.
He wanted to get settled and did not want to waste any time dating any more.

So we got into a big nasty fight.

I dropped my daughter Jess at my Mom’s house and went straight to the airport to meet up with Brett.

Brett and I went on a small trip to some tropical island for a week and it was carefree fun.

But when we flew back home, I felt this was actually a way of saying good bye, because we would never move this relationship any further. Brett and I would never commit to more than this ,b>superficial fun.

Brett did not want to share his life with me fully.

In that split second while we were lining up at the check-in, I started seeing Jake in a completely different light.
He is the guy who wants me and wants to move the relationship to a higher level and commit himself to me!

So Jake and I made up and after 6 months we had our wedding day.
Now 7 years down the line I don’t know if it was a good decision.
Actually, I don’t want to think about it.
Jake is a fine husband, wonderful stepfather to Jess and a good provider.

My head starts spinning when I think about my soul mate who might be still out there . . .

What you can not see or give & receive or commit to yourself,
you will not be able to see or give & receive or commit to your spouse or another person.

Blaming is not a constructive action.

Thinking we can change other people is also not constructive.

What is very constructive is to look at oneself.
Really look deep at oneself.
Work from the inside out.

Make changes if needed.

You will have a better life after this inner work!

Do I accept myself?
Do I accept myself unconditionally?

Do I accept my body?

Have I done work with my relationship with my own parents?
Do I respect myself?

Am I committing myself to make the best of my life?
Am I committing myself fully to my relationship with my partner or spouse?
Or do I have some other agenda in this relationship?

Am I usually committed in (other) relationships and things that are important to me?

Ans last but not least:
Am I true to myself?

Gain insight from your answers to these questions.
If you need further assistance exploring relationship-commitment issues, you may want to get in touch with us!


Want to know how the relationship with your parents impacts your relationship-commitment?

Find out how the relationship with your parents impacts your relationship commitment now!

Want to look at your other important relationships?