Terrible, terrible relationship with mother

by Ana
(Slovakia, Europe)

I really have very heavy problems in relationship with my mother. It's totally complicated.

All my life I was very close to her. She gave me a lot. I am her only child and she was always obsessed to have only one child.

My mother is divorced and always had very bad relationship with men. That has influenced my life.

She puts a lot of pressure on me to have family. I got a boy friend and pregnant at 29. We got married, but then I insisted on divorce. Why? I didn't want to leave my mother alone (she has put a lot of pressure on me). She takes care of my daughter.

Then I was dating (for 7 years) another man. My mother and he became kind of friends. I always wanted another child, but somehow I didn't feel that this boy friend would be my long-lasting partner. Then I got pregnant again. I lost the baby and got a serious depression.

Then my mother got a nervous break down. For 5 years she is now on pills, having serious nervous problems, attacks etc...

When we are together, there are moments, which are good, but sometimes she begins to tell me (not directly), how my life is a failure. And how her only hope is her granddaughter (13 years now), how she will marry soon, have children...
I feel that my life is a failure. I unwillingly have repeated the life of my mother!

I really hate my mother sometimes. This weekend we were on a short trip.
We really wanted to enjoy the trip and have a good relationship. But it was worse then ever!
I wanted even that she disappears from earth. Or that I escape somewhere very far away from here, to another country!!!
I have said to her most terrible words (for example, that she is an old bitch).

My mother will die (she is 73 now) and I feel so guilty how bad I have treated her, but I can’t control myself when I am for a longer period with her. My life is not happy.

How can I solve my terrible relationship with my mother, if there is any solution at all?!! I can't leave her, she has only me. Please help me with your advice.

Ana